Blog

By Lone Petersen (BA, MA, MSoc, MSoc)

When is the virus going to end?

Are my grandparents going to die?

Why did that virus come here?

These are examples of questions that I have been asked by my 5-year old as the coronavirus crisis has been sweeping over Hong Kong and the rest of the globe. His questions reveal the fact that societal changes and adversity do not go unnoticed by children. In fact, for many, they may give rise to deeply philosophical and existential topics such as meaning and mortality. Presented with the anxieties and puzzlement of our children, parents are given unique chances to strengthen relationships and nurture seeds of resilience. But how do we actually grab these chances?   

Changes often bring anxieties to the forefront. As our everyday lives have been affected by school closures, health concerns, quarantine measures, and travel restrictions, a sense of change and uncertainty are characteristic features of the lives of many families. This may affect both children and adults on a deeper level. Change and uncertainty can temporarily chip at fundamental pillars that support our core self and functioning, including our sense of being in control, of being safe, and of trusting in our environment.

We know from research in the domains of mentalization and attachment that children (ideally) seek trusted adults with the hope of guidance and reassurance in the face of destabilization. A common metaphor in counselling for this phenomenon is the image of sea vessels turning their attention to lighthouses for navigation. Lighthouses stand firmly on the shore, increase visibility, show direction, and send messages of hope. 

What does it mean to shine this kind of light for our children when existential questions and anxieties show up? As a mother and a counsellor, I believe that it is not so much a tangible thing with a set of pre-determined steps to follow. More than a strategy, it is a form of attitude that we carry and cultivate when children invite us to meet them in dialogs about their concerns. Cultivating this specific attitude may involve some of the following elements:

–        Learning about our child’s mind. Rather than relying on automatic theories regarding our child’s concerns and needs, we may start by meeting our child’s concern with a sense of openness and curiosity. Open questions allow us to examine how the child makes sense of given experiences. This curiosity paves the way for us to move into greater proximity of our child, and becoming better able to see the world through the eyes of our child.

–        Honoring our child’s experience. We can continuously remind ourselves that children may experience losses and fears during times of crisis that may look easy or insignificant from the adult perspective. Yet, if we can first validate the child’s sense of hardship rather than immediately dismissing experiences through minimizing or explaining, we can extend gifts of immeasurable value to our child. We contribute greatly to strengthening our child’s sense of self, regulating emotions, and building trust in our relationship.

–        Staying attuned. Our personal intuition and connection to our child are essential sources of information when we determine how we engage in conversations related to the current crisis. The level of uncertainty or ambivalence that can be tolerated by a child is greatly dependent on the child’s age, temperament, current stress level, personal history, connection to the caregiver and many other factors. When we stay attuned to the needs, capacity, and motivations of our child, we are better able to make balanced decisions in important conversations and interactions. 

–        Being trustworthy. Even young children are extraordinarily adept at noticing incongruences in communication. If we for instance downplay concerns with the child, but express significant anxiety in our voice, body-language or with others, this may erode the sense of trust that the child places in us. If we feel overwhelmed by our own emotions and reactions, we may opt to enhance our own emotional regulation first by processing our own anxieties or existential questions with either friends or professionals.

–        Being a teacher. If curiosity, attunement, validation, and trustworthiness are all reasonably adequately featured in the relationship with our child, we become believable sources of information. In this role, we may model for children that some degree of uncertainty is okay. We may also model the valuable capacity to pay attention to resources in the midst of difficulties. We can do this by (for instance) directing attention to all the displays of compassion and solidarity that we currently see in Hong Kong – the many hardworking helpers from doctors to neighbors and garbage trucks. Even our own hand-washing may be seen and discussed in the light of empathy and compassion for ourselves and others.

When children turn to us with existential questions and anxieties in the current societal crisis, it is a great display of their trust in our willingness to see them, and of their hope in our ability to shine a light for them. When we cultivate a curious, validating, attuned and trustworthy attitude for meeting these concerns in conversations, we plant and nurture the life-giving hope in our children, that there are always possibilities to look for passages to safe harbors – even in the midst of seas of uncertainty and significant change.   

Soul Glad provides online counselling services and face-to-face counselling services. The counselling sessions could be conducted online or offline at anytime, anywhere. Our counselling service include individual, family and parenting counselling, sand-play therapy etc. Our counsellors speak 7 different languages (English, Cantonese, Mandarin, German, Danish, Hokkein and Burmese). We are here to provide professional help to you. Soul Glad are now providing free first 20 minutes session. Please visit our website: https://soul-glad.com/counsellors/